Passion

... HIATUS ...

2009-12-10T22:36:00.000-08:00

Hey readers ! Sorry for not updating

for a real long time .

I'm away on hiatus but will really

be back updating .

Takecare .

Believe it or not?????

2009-09-16T02:43:00.000-07:00

July? hehehe....what a long time since i last blog

2 much happenings...bla bla bla

FRIDAY....WHAT THE HEH..

2009-07-09T23:29:00.000-07:00

When one says TGIF, its happy...its fun...its awesome....its great..
What the heh for me seh.....

Nothing to expect
Nothing to look forward to
Nothing to thank about
Nothing is good

Except...work throughout..waiting surprises...konon

Week ends ppl enjoy...got hook...got dates....got party, drink, drunk..

Me just like going into week end hell!
Got dump ada lah

Sucks!

Initially I used to receive and hear.....'oh I would love to..oh I wish I could.....oh I want to but.....'

Now I receive 'NO'

Oh my...I'm speaking vulgars now in my mind @#$%!!!

My heart breaks for you...my girl

2009-07-07T23:59:00.000-07:00

Thank you Lukman for your thoughts...I couldn't thank you enough for the sensitivity you potrait today.
I knew you suppose to have commitments...yet you came by and suggested dinner.
I don't know where the gesture comes from.
May it be from care..or just being nice...or....I don't really know.

Beats me! I really don't know!
What is it that is about us? Almighty...help me

Thank you my little hero Zul...ma appreciates you.
Tho nothing of our unpleasant life should be bothering you...I'm sorry.

Just when I thought we're out of clutches, my little pompy cries again.
Sorry daughter....I never meant to bring you into this world to share my pain.
I'm sorry that your own father treats you unfair.
You have been so strong and quiet love...but ma have long known that my children were deeply torn apart.

I have done my utmost for my love ones, and I am running out of zest to go on and on and on.

But again, I will never let you down....no matter how.

Just hold on to me okay......

Me No Awesome Today!

2009-07-07T00:51:00.000-07:00

Yes D...I know I look terrible to u NOW!

Thanks for confirming it.....I know....not only my look today D.....
I feel terrible too.

Tho I work hard...or yeah I'm smart
I'm thumbs up at work....to most people
I'm thumbs up personally....to most people
I'm thumbs up here, there, bla bla bla

If only u know how hard my life has been
If only u know how tough I have always been
If only u know how much strength I have put in
If only u know how much care I have given in
If only u know how much wrong I have accepted in
If only u know how much soul searching I swallow
If only u know how much tears I used to and still flow
If only u know how much misery I feel

I'm maintaining D
I maintain my strength
I maintain my health
I maintain my smiles
I maintain my laughs

I'm nursing D
I nurse my weaks
I nurse my flaws
I nurse my love ones

I'm feeling heavy D
I lift each with each of my fingers
I carry all with both of my shoulders
I head with my only brain
I strive with both my feet
I love all with my heart

Nothing of me is left to heal my own pain

I don't have any choice......do I?

U came into my life

I heard u said......and said again
u don't know when u'll leave me....
But I know D....u certainly will

BROKEDOWN

2009-07-03T23:03:00.000-07:00

It has been hard to cry in recent times...but broke down.

Waited damn long for the housing loan appeal, never stop praying everyday for it to materialized. Never did I fail to be in contact with them to up-date...but alas...I've been failed.

Never care at my surroundings...
Never care I am a boss...
Never care my surbodinates...
I cried...just cried and cried and cried!

My dream to get an immediate settlement in a home for my ducklings went rumbling down.
My days bunking in others home prolong.
How much more I need to bear such, such, such pain and all these pressures within me.

Tho my boss helping me his best....still nothing is certain of this damn shit hdb thing!
Tho YB morally supports....still.....what ease my situation?

It was a real shit day indeed!
My specs left behind....
My new bracelet snapped...
My watch stop out of batt...
My docs left in office on my way to....
My head..my body aches....
My 100 bucks out to wedding...
My heart and concious pain to lie.....
My encounter with that unscruplus bastard at wedding.....
My luv failed me a home ride...
My leg hurts walked a long way in the night to catch a stupid cab..
My feel liveless waited long long time for cab....
My luv daily non response whenever hes sharing his bed with....
My sleepless nights......

NO! I am not petty.....but I'm bearing pain!

D.....

2009-06-23T04:15:00.000-07:00

Mengapa kita terasing D?
Tetapi hati tidak dapat di bohongi
Bila saja kita berjauhan, kita kerinduan
Kau dan aku di uji digelombang waktu

...by Freedom

D....what has made me be free but not freedom
By my own free will...

Jika kau selam hati ini pasti nya kau kan mengerti
Betapa suci nya........ku, jangan di ragu

Bukan simpati yang ku cari

....by Slam

Bergenang ayer mata ini namun tidak jatuh juga
Mengalir cuma lah hati ku
Senyum tawa hanya tutp duka lara

.....by Ukays

WHERE AM I???

2009-06-15T04:22:00.001-07:00

A day at a time.....
I dono whats next after today....
Smiles and laughter in my face.....my heart sucks!

Uncertain.....
What comes may......
Seems it's been my life long.....being such!

Luck.....
Hardly on me.....
Strive is all about it....damn!

Envy.....
Lucky women....
All they do most......just worry nuts and that's about it!

Rely.....
On who or when or never.....
Being relied on.......I'm born to be!

LONG TIME NO WRITE

2009-06-01T06:02:00.000-07:00

Much happenings over the fortnight.

Not much of outings...just no more....reason....beats me, YB?...dono dono

Self.....moody!

Funds....broke!

Work.... sucks!

Life.....tough!

Love....craze!

Some one tells me I could juz can go anywhere, anytime and do whatever I want. But.....he said you are free but not freedom.....san nau cing ah!

It's every girls'..oops! old girl's dream..yah kinda please when their love one say so.....neway hope he meant it.

It's all about hope...damn..penat seh

June 5th, goodbye house. U'r no more mine. Funny...no reflections....maybe one day....if i encounter memory lane.

June 6th, my big boy's bday.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON!

Oh ya.....dedication to my also son.

Same name, different spell, different size, junior to my Fadzli....meet my little hero FadHli!

Two Months Ago to Now!

2009-05-15T21:39:00.000-07:00

Hee hee......two months ago that i blogged. What a lazy blogger I am.

Down on luck..bz bz clearing my house at tampines, sales procedures, handling x nonsence, trying to ends meet. Finally, thru all hard ways, my agony ending. Flat sold, empty and gonna kiss my flat goodbye.

Thank you children for your unspoken support....we're finally thru.

At work, its just piles and piles. Sacked my old ops and got a new younger ops. But still....some people just doesn't know how to gain respect. For me to give.....tengok lah tempat.

Tension - at where I'm putting up. Tension, tension, tension....oh my...just have to bear..

Depress - with pompy..don't seems to behave and do well in school..

Happy - Fadzli 's achievement...oops! country secret...

Pleased - Hairi's career....it's hard work son but believe mum, it will pay...

Disappoint - that guy on third bus on the line...

Psycho - encounter...YB......somebody wakes me please!!!!....how could i ever fell to trust these creatures again....help!

Tired - work...

Worry - money and new home...

Tough - LIFE!

At least....I have freedom....yeah! freedom! Embrace! Embrace!

LOVE YOU YB !

KIDS

2009-03-17T02:16:00.000-07:00

Fourteen years! That's how old or young my little princess is today.

It's fresh in me the day we've known she exist in me. After a tsunami downfall on my boys and my life, miraclely we were gifted. The crucifying pain and agony while waiting her arrival, diminished and gone when she surfaced.

Cute little wriggly forearms, pink lips wailing, ha..ha...35cm circumference head. Must have taken after my pleasant, humble, handsome gynae.....Dr. Suresh Nair!

I never had the chance experiencing close gap age kids like most people love to. The gap of iBoy to Hairi and Hairi to Princess is great. No complain, its a blessing indeed.

Named by the dad, thats Fadzli and Fadzhairi. Putri Umira, named by me. Princess of me and her dad, thats what she actually is meant for us. May true virtue of a princess will forever be in my Pompy.

It's not a norm of not having bday cakes on my kids bday, it's just that I'm not up to it this time round for her. Loosing our home, (sold), endorsed a sense of lost in my heart. Pray that soon it be gone.

Nevertheless, lunch joined by Heryani and Salwaa at Billy Bombers is one great HAPPY difference. Just love them all! Thank you Girls......love you:-)

Putri ku, Happy Birthday 17th March 2009!
Yani....hope you like the belated wrap from me!
Salwaa....you'll next on my list!
Hairi....ma happy you've got thru the anxillary!
Zul....though it's bit too soon, yet he left, cos he's gifted an early sit near Allah!

Kids, achieve success! When you have it, bear a little in your mind....

SUCCESS IS NOT ALL ABOUT WHAT WE HAVE GOTTEN, BUT IT'S HOW FAR THE DISTANCE THAT WE'VE COME

Keep meeting it time after time...after time...after time

SHAG

2009-03-15T07:06:00.000-07:00

Day to day it's all about going on, living on, fighting on, etc., etc.,

Striving and kicking is the word.

When do life actually started? Before I could feel it, I'm feeling gonna die.

And death may be today, tomorrow, anytime, anywhere, anyhow.

It's too often we never realise whats going on with oneself, cos living is always for another, for the other for something, for somebody, etc., etc.,

Too many a time sacrifice are for him, for her, for you, for them.

When do we say for me?

Only when life is too tired, too old, too sick, too shag, too painful......and one said 'for me to rest'....that's the actual gift, the actual treat, the actual for oneself.....and to one it means 'goodbye!'

Think about it.....nor you or me, we have life, but for who we actually live for, or what is life to oneself actually is his or her life.

Taking myself into it....I'm shag, yet have to live and rebuilt life...with myself last on the list.

OR IS IT ME?

2009-02-26T22:46:00.000-08:00

Some days back my boss forward me this:

" First I was dying to finish my high school and start college, and I was dying to finish college and start working.

Then I was dying to marry and have children, and then I was dying for my children to grow enough so I could go back to work.

But then I was dying to retire. And now I'm dying. And suddenly I realized I forgot to live!"

Hmm.....does it sounds or is it me???

Oh Allah, please don't let me feel nor be this way. Please allow me to appreciate my current situation and enjoy each day...Amin.

My emo more to:

"To make money we lose our health, and then to restore our health we lose money. We live as if we are never going to die, and we die as if we never lived."

Valentine?

2009-02-13T18:04:00.000-08:00

The word or rather a name that inspires love around. The young, the growing, even the old looking to it......hmm...feel nice for them:)

Though it's not a celebration in my religion circle, but I'm ok for anyone to mark it the day to wana start love...touch love.....feel love....give love and beloved.

If the worst ever comes, it still remains in them as they walk down their memory lanes.

I'm thru with all that.

Had my days, my flowers, chocolates, etc, etc., and most unforgetable.....

My loved one...no, my soulmate indeed demands a gift.....allow him a marriage with his another valentine!

So what the hell with calling me his Valentine for years......or was it me who didn't hear him called it with an 'S' ??

There goes shattering my days for the rest of life. Tarnished my memory lane... what's left is history of pain.

Here I am this Valentine morning, not touching the piles of work on my desk....hey, but why am I lamenting ???

Feeling stupid:-(

Thinking hard what's the rest of my day gonna be.

And it's only a.m. 11.40.......

Nevertheless, HAPPY VALENTINE TO THOSE WHO LOVES ME.

To my kiddos, have a good time, neat and sweet memorable day!

MOODS

2009-02-12T01:10:00.000-08:00

Hell of a noisy morning...so called home!
All the dins made me mad, really!
Worst! Can't complain.

Starts early, works cool.
Here comes the boss. Making real of a balls day!

Situations? to me
Unsolved matter? to me
Problems? to me
His manager cannot manage? also me
Hey! What the heck this ppl takes me? or am I THAT excellent in making it good?
Must be the later... consoled.

Oooh!

2009-02-07T22:07:00.000-08:00

It's Feb already.

Days wasn't too bad since my last blog. Basically, office and home, office and home. When could I ever be solely a homemaker alone..god knows lah.

But I'm happy keeping myself so occupied. Yes it's daily 'alot of work complain' in office, I'm happy though. My hard work and good management has always brought me praises and salutes.

Did ponder at times, agitation disturbs.

Sent a hard text to x, reminded him of his irresponsible monthly maintenance defaults, yet pretty swine of him to ignore. I've been too nice all those donkey years adhering to all needs, putting myself last on all list and he.....swells and never stop building shit ego and evently a full grown chauvinist PIG! Grrrrr.....wait till I sue again.

Though alone with my ducklings......me never look back or regret leaving the damb h...

My ducklings do plays hard on me at times, hurts, really hurts but what could I do....carry on with myself day to day.

Last Sat was a nice day out! Hop in with Raf and beau's vehicle and wooosh! we went to JB. Spent....spent...karaoke, shopping, provisions, food....and sea food, yummy yummy.

Never did I expect that my Fad sent me a text that we wanted to create a stalking. No question asked and I gave the green. Alas....someone came along to assist getting me back my Ks. It's really a down when the cahooted couple agreed with only 200 per month. My duck was indeed trapped with those unscrupulous people plan during their meeting. But ok ok lah, better then nuts since 2001. Will see how it come along. Should there was any unpleasant spoken about me to my duck, I wouldn't care less. go to HELL with them!

Love and feelings! Lost on X, lost on S, and never ever on creature called men. What's left are my ducks and duckling. Hope they remain virtue to me. Oh ya, me happy each time I flash that my duckling currently with zfl...he looks good and trustworthy, somehow. She's small though, but I don't mind if she has good guide. Pray, I'm right.

Kinda miss my huge well done home (by me)...but no regrets. I'm out of future mind torturing life.

Now focus! Gonna be a small, but full of comfort home for my Hairi and Putri.

Eemm...getting agitated over no sale yet. Stupid choice of agent...

I think it's high time me gonna change my skin. I'm not so broken after all.

I couldn't reach the sky, at least I would touch the clouds.

IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME, REALLY!

2009-01-28T06:36:00.000-08:00

Hi myself!

It's been a never ending stressful life time. Needless to say, painful too.

Out of TTSH finally juz few days heading to the Lunar. Thanks Allah.

Full of zest just after that. Got myself karaoke-ing alone, loud and enjoyed. Non stop eating, smiling....then came the drastic old friend of mine.....stomach aching....rushing to the doc....ouch the jab...and ooh the bill.

Three solid days with ouch, ooh, oh, my!, tummy bloats till today.

Nevertheless, never ever forgot to make some one happy. Jan 25th visited niece home and created a surprise birthday celebration for her hubby. He is one fella that I adore and respect despite being so call nephew. Wonder if my own could be as humble, marvellously in control, blah blah blah.

Glad everyone in that home happy. It's just me, who loves those who loves and appreciates me.

Oops! Then a surprise came from my eldest duck. He finally speaks his mind.....maybe he sensed my recent broken days somehow. Emm....never did I expect his sudden concern to help to actually trace that missing 'idiot'. As mum I found myself mum. But deeply happy that my flesh somehow cares for me...especially when he mentioned he actually had been ignorant too long, and time to act FOR ME, hihi. How my duck gonna act, I don't know. It is best to leave it to him I guess, since my duck is now a man, real man and daddy to two cute little angels..oh how I love them

Saaid or pendek, as my duck referred, had been my moral pillar for donkey years. Suddenly made himself dissappeared, invisible or lost to space without a single word or goodbye. Could it be it that I feel so broken???? Whatever.....it doesn't matter now.

I'm living fine, working well and still knows love keeps coming from people around me.

Extract: This time was different felt like I was juz a victim. And it cut me like a knife when he walked out of my life. Now I'm in this condition and I've got all the symptoms of a woman with a broken heart, but no matter what you'll never see my cry!

Chao

2009 Attack!

2009-01-16T22:38:00.000-08:00

It was a rather relaxing Sunday, Jan 11th. Bit of cooking...yummy porridge and everyone loved it. Spent couple of hours glued to 'Starworld' watching past American Idols. It was great laughs, laughs, laughs, suddenly......

Felt a kind a weakly in my body. Pompy duckling rushed to check by BP.....of my! BP is down, down, down. Tried to remain calm and denied emergency. But could not and got Hairi to get me the mimo mimo vehicle. By then the world had been spinning in my brain.

Into the ambulance and straight to the resus at TTSH. Couple of time at such and never did I ever shed water in my eyes. But this time I had to cry. Unscrupulously painful experience. Syringe after syringe, tubes of tubes of blood were sucked out from poor me.

Pompy duckling and my Hairi never failed to visit. Little Dewi and Dad came once. She's so cute knapping in Nyai's bed.

Jan 13th, pompy came with two ducklings. They were so sweet with their craze craze fun loving ways. So touched with their visit and kind gesture of living me a token. Heryani and Salwaa, two new names in my mind. Companion to my pompy.

Never did I forget.....Zul...with his kind regards.

We also learn from each new happenings. Nil visits from my kins and nieces or phone hi, except that of my elderst. Phone regards from my bro. Nice visit from Raf, kind visit from my sweet cousins. Two repeated visits from secret admirer....yucks sucks! Love visits from my ops who never fail to forget his chocolatees....my favourite. Oh ya, one most anoying visit from Mr. X.

Thought I would be home before weekend, but what to do...I am now spending over the weekend at 10B62. Aigh...when will i be over with this endless pain...

My life dream, if I can't touch the sky, I would at least touch the clouds!

New Year Me!

2009-01-10T06:08:00.000-08:00

It's been so long since my last blog. It was a year.....2008 ago.

Had moments of laughter when celebrating Hairi's bday on the 27th, eve of his actual bdate. Enjoyed and thrilled with close families warm supports. Though it's been quite awhile that I put in my cooking, my dishers still much appraised and washed out.

Out of broken pockets, managed to pinch and made thru my Hairi's dream list. Got him an Adidas watch to remind him time flew, always fly and precious. An original Crocs to cover his feet and walk on life. Though 21, he's my baby for life.

Moments when he was dashed with cream cakes, powder and party pops by dear cousins was so unforgetable....I'm sure in all their minds forever too.

Never a day that I did feel pink in health or feeling top of the world. It was all about bluessss. Neway, on last day of 2008 me made a resolution..hah!...if I could remember was TO FOREGO MY PAIN AND SORROW. Achieving it till now is still about trying.

Also on last of 2008, me did a crazy thing with my littlest baby....we pampered our hair with trimmings, washing, steaming and me..hihi .. colouring and for the first time ...HIGHLIGHT..YO!
New Years 2009, Eve! Is all about countdown on TV and SMS a bday wish to my X-HUB. History..history

It's then the 2nd, my littlest baby duckling pompy starts school at 2A3. Me back to work....rush rush and off to company's dinner. It was a crazy night. Did my very best to remain aloof taking care crazy drunk bunch of company's ugly ducks. Hah...me always had to play mother to them.

But, it was joyful, and they don't forget my next day bday! Got wishes, got hugs, got kisses....but presents were meant for next day. Well, they never failed me. Got flowers, got perfumes...double double perfume. One came from littlest duck and her beau. Hem....beautiful was it?

Bday began with normal breakfast and nothing special. But got cheeky call from RAF to join bowling with three BBNs. Said yes and sped there with littlest duckling. Enjoyed 2 rounds, then off to night bazaar before to RAF's home. Dinner was simple, chat chat was good and few rounds of karaoke was fun.

From 5th till now is all about work, rush, TTSH check-ups, money gone gone gone. Wonder when I could be as great healthy as before. No doubt I know hospital with initial of "TAKES TIME SWEET HEART" does not promise speedy recovery.....sigh...

Forcing...

2008-12-22T07:11:00.001-08:00

Up in the early morn, drag myself while preparing for work. Suddenly i felt hungry..emm unusual....walked to the block void kiosk and got myself a pack of 'sambal nasi goreng. Got one for my PA as well and a new paper for in my cap reading.

Some kinda of taxi drivers indeed! Every morning I had to be the one navigating them my route to work, and their meters never read less then 22 bucks. That's reason my daily sighing going to work e v e r y s i n g l e DAYYYYYY!

Watch ticked 9.25am and me the first to arrive and open up office? Shit.....am I the office and international manager or am I the door manager as well. Too much...too much....real idi.....ts

Never was like me to wallop my 'nasi' before i starts work. I hardly even swallow breakfast, nor lunch or even may go thru with just a morning cold drinks. But this morning, I'm a rare species.

Every single minute in office was restless, anger, frust..irresponsible subordinates...ingrates. Said no to practically request and phone calls. Still mistakes, mistakes from them... and normal lah, me their backwall to fall. Want or don't want..aah just do

3.00pm, hungry again. Grabbed room keys, locked and straight to canteen. God gracious! Lucky makcik last bowl of mee siam welcomed me. Delicious...greedy me

Big boss had earlier made his escaped maybe to avoid my bad tantrum today. Doubt he would be back and glad. Neway, I'ver planned to meet up my princess at 6.00pm at Century.

Shopping was tired and guess what.....broke lah. Debit, cash...kwang kwang kwang. Now at minus point to spend.

Reach home, a big blow AGAIN. Big sis conveyed that my eldy's company gonna let off their staff. How could my day ends with clear mind...that doesn't bothers me tomorrow...

Broken Me

2008-12-20T06:29:00.000-08:00

Back to work in the morning. After all its been quite awhile since I last concentrate in work. Since Octo I've lost my zest in life, lost my strength, concentrations, etc, etc etc.,

During my days recuperating...finding reasons for my sudden downfall, I've gathered its an exhaustion over life through the years. I wish at this point I could have my fingers, my words written as my mind recalls LIFE, but I still could not..why?

It's not that don't know what's happening to me, I do. But why can't put in words.....I wish the day would come ..... at then I know I'll be as strong as I used to be

Yes, I'm broken deeply.....but I still wanna live for my "Hairi" and my "Princess"

TOUGH!

2008-12-19T06:44:00.000-08:00

How's life today..huh..TOUGH!

Me ask myself, me answer myself.

When the heck I could be well again. Sick, sick, sick....that's m days for past 2 month.

What? Why? I don't know. But I know HOW much pain, HOW much moni, HOW much sufferings I've been.

Damn hospitals, damn doctors, damn 'pockimons' with their blood sucking needles.

Me tired and shag, aah close shop lah:-(